The Farce Awakens
The Force Awakens would have been a flop if it was the first Star Wars movie.
The positives in this movie are some beautiful vistas, some above average comedic dialog, 2 new actors who did a good job in their roles and above average CGI work ...
The negatives are numerous ... first off the basic plot appears to be a retread of A New Hope, the very first Star Wars movie ... seriously this was the best plot they could come up with, basically a treasure map hidden in a droid ??? then we get a couple of sentences about Luke Skywalker being betrayed by someone he was training which everyone eventually figure out is Han Solo and Princes Leia's son. No reason given, just he's a bad seed with daddy issues. Oh and Luke basically has checked out of the fight and is in hiding. (Thus the map to his location).
Things do pick up when the storm trooper turns into a guy who "wants to do the right thing" and helps a rebel pilot escape and meets the new girl. Hi-jinx ensue right up to the point they are being very, very poorly strafed by bad guy fighters. Then they jump into an old rusting freighter that quote, un-quote "hasn't flown in years" and magically the hyperdrive and shields and guns all appear to be in working order which allows them to escape off planet. Yeah, riiiiiight ... (spoiler: its the Millennium Falcon)
We finally get to kind of meet the new "bad guy" who shows his "dangerous side" by telling the Admiral that he'll regret not finding the droid with the map. Doesn't choke him out, nope, he basically threatens to write a harsh memo. Oh and the quote un-quote Admiral looks about 30 ... again riiiiight ...
So Han Solo shows up and everyone cheers ... Yeah, Han is back !!! So of course 2 gangs show up within minutes demanding he pay back the money he borrowed from both of them to fund his current operation which appears to be transporting large very dangerous multi tentacle monsters to someone unmentioned for what purpose nobody bothers to even ask or explain. Of course the monsters get loose and again hi-jinx occurs. The monster seem to catch and eat all the gang members in short order. And they are very efficient about it, a tentacle grabs a guys and pulls him into a toothy mouth and eats him all in a couple of seconds EVERY SINGLE TIME. Except for when one of the monsters catches one of our hero's (the black guy). Then and only then the monster decides to run off with his tasty morsel to eat him somewhere else. This of course gives the heroine the opportunity to show her magical ability to remotely operate a blast door on a ship she's never been on before and save the guy. Yeah !!! (of course she's the one who released the monsters in the first place when she screwed up closing the blast doors)
Later, we get the big reveal when the "bad guy" removes his mask and we understand why he wears a mask. Horrible scars ? Messed up face ? No, he looks like a 20 something metro-sexual poser with a beak that would make Barbara Streisand proud. Oh, and with really great hair that shows no signs of having been under a skull cap for hours. Also the mask distorts his voice and for good reason, without it he sounds like Tavis Smiley of Deep Thoughts. He's basically Pajama Boy without the footy pajamas and the glasses.
Oh and of course throughout the movie the "trained to be a solider from birth" Storm Troopers can't hit the broadside of a barn while anyone on the Rebels team can't miss.
So we of course get to a final climactic sword fight. We have the ex-Storm Trooper kid and the girl against new bad guy. Oh and new bad guy was trained in the force and taught the light saber by Luke Skywalker himself. So of course the ex Storm Trooper gets beat'ish. Not killed, although he does get sliced up alittle. No loss of limbs or anything. Then its the girls turn. In the real world the fight would have lasted 10 seconds and she would be in parts all over the ground. So the bad guys kind of loses to the chick with no training (he gets away of course). I'm sorry but I just can't let this go. In the same scene the bad guy is seen blocking laser blasts with his light saber he can't beat an untrained teenager.
Almost every scene with Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher was obviously shot with stand ins. Are you kidding me ? You could'nt get them both in the studio on the same day ? Really ?
JJ may be able to direct action but emotion appears to be impossible for him. There is a scene where new chick is coming off the Falcon and is greeted by ex-Princess Leia. When they first hug they appear to be surrounded by people going on about their business on a busy base. Then the camera pulls back and the 2 of them appear to be standing alone with a crowd of people about 20 feet away. A crowd with a perfect line of demarcation like there was a fricking rope line. A line, not in a circle around them but a line ... horrid ...
So hurrah, they get the map and can find Luke. So who do they send to ask him "What the hell are you doing hiding while we fight for our lives ?" His sister ? Nope, they send the teenager and the Wookie to save the universe. And the final emotional scene where we see Luke again ... Big emotion right ? nooope, Good lord, I've gotten more emotional about multiple car ads than that final scene ...
I'll say it again, The Force Awakens would have been a flop if it was the first Star Wars movie.
Kaiser Derden
The positives in this movie are some beautiful vistas, some above average comedic dialog, 2 new actors who did a good job in their roles and above average CGI work ...
The negatives are numerous ... first off the basic plot appears to be a retread of A New Hope, the very first Star Wars movie ... seriously this was the best plot they could come up with, basically a treasure map hidden in a droid ??? then we get a couple of sentences about Luke Skywalker being betrayed by someone he was training which everyone eventually figure out is Han Solo and Princes Leia's son. No reason given, just he's a bad seed with daddy issues. Oh and Luke basically has checked out of the fight and is in hiding. (Thus the map to his location).
Things do pick up when the storm trooper turns into a guy who "wants to do the right thing" and helps a rebel pilot escape and meets the new girl. Hi-jinx ensue right up to the point they are being very, very poorly strafed by bad guy fighters. Then they jump into an old rusting freighter that quote, un-quote "hasn't flown in years" and magically the hyperdrive and shields and guns all appear to be in working order which allows them to escape off planet. Yeah, riiiiiight ... (spoiler: its the Millennium Falcon)
We finally get to kind of meet the new "bad guy" who shows his "dangerous side" by telling the Admiral that he'll regret not finding the droid with the map. Doesn't choke him out, nope, he basically threatens to write a harsh memo. Oh and the quote un-quote Admiral looks about 30 ... again riiiiight ...
So Han Solo shows up and everyone cheers ... Yeah, Han is back !!! So of course 2 gangs show up within minutes demanding he pay back the money he borrowed from both of them to fund his current operation which appears to be transporting large very dangerous multi tentacle monsters to someone unmentioned for what purpose nobody bothers to even ask or explain. Of course the monsters get loose and again hi-jinx occurs. The monster seem to catch and eat all the gang members in short order. And they are very efficient about it, a tentacle grabs a guys and pulls him into a toothy mouth and eats him all in a couple of seconds EVERY SINGLE TIME. Except for when one of the monsters catches one of our hero's (the black guy). Then and only then the monster decides to run off with his tasty morsel to eat him somewhere else. This of course gives the heroine the opportunity to show her magical ability to remotely operate a blast door on a ship she's never been on before and save the guy. Yeah !!! (of course she's the one who released the monsters in the first place when she screwed up closing the blast doors)
Later, we get the big reveal when the "bad guy" removes his mask and we understand why he wears a mask. Horrible scars ? Messed up face ? No, he looks like a 20 something metro-sexual poser with a beak that would make Barbara Streisand proud. Oh, and with really great hair that shows no signs of having been under a skull cap for hours. Also the mask distorts his voice and for good reason, without it he sounds like Tavis Smiley of Deep Thoughts. He's basically Pajama Boy without the footy pajamas and the glasses.
Oh and of course throughout the movie the "trained to be a solider from birth" Storm Troopers can't hit the broadside of a barn while anyone on the Rebels team can't miss.
So we of course get to a final climactic sword fight. We have the ex-Storm Trooper kid and the girl against new bad guy. Oh and new bad guy was trained in the force and taught the light saber by Luke Skywalker himself. So of course the ex Storm Trooper gets beat'ish. Not killed, although he does get sliced up alittle. No loss of limbs or anything. Then its the girls turn. In the real world the fight would have lasted 10 seconds and she would be in parts all over the ground. So the bad guys kind of loses to the chick with no training (he gets away of course). I'm sorry but I just can't let this go. In the same scene the bad guy is seen blocking laser blasts with his light saber he can't beat an untrained teenager.
Almost every scene with Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher was obviously shot with stand ins. Are you kidding me ? You could'nt get them both in the studio on the same day ? Really ?
JJ may be able to direct action but emotion appears to be impossible for him. There is a scene where new chick is coming off the Falcon and is greeted by ex-Princess Leia. When they first hug they appear to be surrounded by people going on about their business on a busy base. Then the camera pulls back and the 2 of them appear to be standing alone with a crowd of people about 20 feet away. A crowd with a perfect line of demarcation like there was a fricking rope line. A line, not in a circle around them but a line ... horrid ...
So hurrah, they get the map and can find Luke. So who do they send to ask him "What the hell are you doing hiding while we fight for our lives ?" His sister ? Nope, they send the teenager and the Wookie to save the universe. And the final emotional scene where we see Luke again ... Big emotion right ? nooope, Good lord, I've gotten more emotional about multiple car ads than that final scene ...
I'll say it again, The Force Awakens would have been a flop if it was the first Star Wars movie.
Kaiser Derden